How to Have A Conversation

Ok – just to bottom-line it right away: The conversation is the relationship.

Ever had a difficult discussion where there is the ‘presenting issue’ of the issue at hand, but there’s also another conversation that you think is happening under the surface? It’s the ‘underneath the surface’ conversation that’s the interesting stuff. Our lizard brains are active and reacting and giving us actual physical feedback while the conversation is taking place.

Here we talk about how to have a conversation by listening to and using that information. Don’t just let the surface ‘presentation’ be the only place the conversation goes or you will forever be trapped in that unfulfilling space.

How to Have a Conversation

Busting Myths

In business settings, people think that the expectation is to keep emotions suppressed at all times and that it’s wise to sublimate the thoughts that have an emotional element. This is where those passive aggressive e-mails come from. This is false and people know it. If instead, we had the tools to position the important stuff up front, we could get at the important content.
This is just a matter of being able to use your limbic brain better. The irrational limbic brain, where your emotions and feelings come from, is also what controls your decisions and behaviors. You then wrap rational language around those decisions to justify your behavior. If instead you were able to identify the “conversation beneath the conversation” and lift it to the surface for discussion, you could accomplish a lot more with your coworkers.

Back to the Conversation

Here is a method based on Susan Scott’s Fierce Conversations that has been transformative in terms of addressing a difficult issue at the root and providing a path for people to talk openly and build incredible trust. Using this method, the transformation happens DURING the conversation.

A Framework

First, suspend the idea that you have a work self and a home self. This is tempting to imagine but inevitably, the two bleed into one another. Consider that you may be more consistent than you think. In any case, this conversation format is about giving you the tools to be more of an authentic communicator. This is relevant and helpful regardless of your setting.

Second, observe the non-verbal cues you are getting from the other person. Think about whether you can maintain open body language and maintain regular eye contact.

Third, resist the urge to jump in and fix! When difficult conversations take place, you think about what you’d do and it’s irresistible for you to propose solutions. Resist this urge. And realize that silence and questions are your secret weapons.

Last: Trust that people have the inherent ability to know what’s right for them. You can help tease it out and be helpful in that way, but don’t start there. Start with listening.

Having the conversation

Think about anyone you are having trouble with. This could be a supervisee who has been struggling to meet deadlines, a colleague whose coworkers are complaining, or a friend. A scenario may have already come into your mind as you’ve been reading. That’s what you should think about when you look at this format.

Doing this requires preparation and rehearsal but you will be absolutely floored by what you are able to uncover.

1. Make an “Opening Statement” (60 seconds)

Name the issue.
Select a specific example that illustrates the behavior or situation you want to change.
Describe your emotions about this issue.
Clarify what is at stake.
Identify your contribution to the problem.
Indicate your wish to resolve the issue.
Invite your partner to respond.

If you were to take these components one at a time:

Name the Issue

–Name the behavior that is causing the problem. If there are multiple issues, ask yourself what’s at the core, or what is the commonality. Do the thinking to name the essential issue; otherwise the conversation will lack focus. For example, “Jackie, I want to talk with you about the effect your leadership style is having on the team.”

Select a Specific Example

–Since you’ve only got 60 seconds, the example must be succinct. If you’ve ever been on the receiving end, you know that criticism can make a person shut down. So keep it short. For example, “I learned that when John was asking questions, you told him that you didn’t have time for private tutoring sessions and that he should work it out on his own time.”

Describe your Emotions about the Issue

–Wait- why do this? Because emotions are deeply personal. Telling someone what emotion his or her behavior evokes in you is disarming. You are letting the person know that you are affected. Contrary to popular opinion, I believe it actually has an impact to say, quietly, “I am angry,” if anger is what you feel. Perhaps you are concerned, worried, sad, frightened or frustrated. Describe whatever emotion is true for you. Such emotions are experienced at work and at home, and it’s appropriate to admit them. For example, “I’m concerned and I am fearful of the possible consequences.”

2. Clarify What is at Stake

–In other words, why is this important? What do you feel is at stake for the individual whose behavior you are confronting? What is at stake for yourself, for others, for the customer, for the team, for the organization, or for the relationship? Use the words ‘at stake.’ These have an emotional impact. Eyes lock when you say, ‘This is what is at stake.” Talk about this calmly and quietly. For example, “There is a great deal at stake. A long term employee has considered leaving the company rather than work with you. I am not prepared to lose good people who I hope will be here after you’ve gone on to your next assignment. Meeting our deadline is essential. Our reputation as a product leader is on the line as well as our professional pride and considerable financial gain. Perhaps there’s not as much at stake for you. If it doesn’t work out and you leave us, you can undoubtedly get another job quickly, but the stakes for us are high.”

3. Identify Your Contribution to the Problem.

–Before we confront another’s behavior, it is essential that we first look at the ends of our own noses. No long confession is needed here. With is appropriate is a brief acknowledgment that you recognize any role you played in creating the problem and that you intend to do something about it. For example, you may realize that your primary contribution is in not communicating clear expectations from the outset of a relationship or project. This may seem obvious but many problems in both professional and personal relationships come from a lack of clear expectations of all parties, and the rest are due to a lack of accountability to appropriate expectations. For example, “I have contributed to this problem by not reviewing our priorities and due dates with you. I will correct that.” Or “I’ve contributed to this problem by not letting you know months ago how upset I was. Instead, I withdrew and consequently, our relationship deteriorated even further. For that I am sorry.”

4. Indicate your Wish to Resolve the Issue

–Use the word ‘resolve.’ It shows that there is no firing squad waiting outside. This is not a termination. When this model is used, more relationships are saved than ended. To say “this is what I want to resolve” communicates good intent on your part. Additionally, you should restate the issue. For example: “This is what I want to resolve with you, Jackie- the effect your leadership style is having on the team.”

5. Invite Your Partner to Respond:

–When our own behavior has been confronted, it may have felt as if a court had found us guilty. In this model, there has been no attack. Instead, there has been a clear and succinct statement describing the reality of this particular behavior. Now the invitation is issued. “I want to understand what is happening from your perspective. Please talk to me about what’s going on with you and the team.”

6. Now, Your Job Is To Shut Up.

Push yourself to make no declarative statements for as long as possible. You need to stay open to learning.
If the person strays or deflects, say, “We’re here to talk about the effect your leadership style (or whatever) is having on the team. What’s going on from where you sit?” or “Please return to the topic, Jackie.”
You may ask questions like, “What are you willing to do?” or “There need to be some changes on your part. Have you ever received feedback like this anywhere else in your life?”
“If you are willing to make changes to your behavior, we will help. If you are not, we will part company, no hard feelings.”
The goal is for the other person to reflect on and own their behavior. That could mean accepting help from a colleague or agreeing to take a 10 minute breather before emailing the team anything that could be considered unprofessional, and instead speaking with people by phone or face to face.

Results

If you can do this you will dramatically change your relationship with that person. It’s hard for anyone to be called out on their behavior. But if you prepare for the conversation and expose some of your own thoughts and vulnerabilities, it creates a much more open interaction, and people will respect you for doing it that way.